Building the *Right* Kinds of Relationships
Written together by Suhaila Sikand and Sooji Yang
A group of people in a park having fun, smiling and high-fiving
We often hear and say that building relationships is important in policy advocacy work. But what does that really mean? And why is that really important?
After many internal and external conversations about this topic, Suhaila Sikand and Sooji Yang, Junior Consultants of Common Spark, attempt to answer these overarching questions in a quasi-interview format. Together they put to words our principle here at Common Spark that building relationships is indeed an important, if not the most important, component in policy advocacy.
First, how do you define a relationship?
A quick Google search shows that a relationship is generally a connection between two or more entities. Sure, textbook definitions exist, but in the context of our work to shape a more just and livable future, what does that mean in practice?
As it relates to policy advocacy work, relationships exist between you and the people you work with, the communities you serve, and yourself. Unfortunately, some relationships are one-sided, where one party is expected to give without experiencing proper respect in return. Or worse, some relationships embody the savior myth complex—the mentality that ‘I will save you from what I perceive as suffering because I know better than you on what is good for you.’ These types of relationships are a product of a broader culture and system that deprioritizes one another as valued human beings.
The Flipside: What do relationships that are balanced, generative, and respectful look like? And why are they important in policy advocacy?
The type of relationships that bring collective and sustainable wins in policy advocacy work are not one-sided, not exploitative, and certainly not easy. It takes a lot of work to get there. Through time and intention, we can build relationships that are two-way streets, rooted in mutual respect, trust, and solidarity.
Mutual respect is honoring the full humanity, diversity, and dignity of the other person.
Trust is knowing that the other party has your best interests in their mind and will act with intention to maximize mutual benefits and minimize harm.
Solidarity is the sharing of values, principles, and a vision within a relationship. What is good for you is good for me, and vice versa.
Building the kind of relationship that we’re trying to define, is a sacred connection. Through mutual respect, you can engage in an ongoing process of learning and respecting the other person’s contextual differences and self-autonomy in knowing what’s best for them and their community. Through trust, you can be at the table together and have agreements, disagreements, and compromises in good faith. Through solidarity, you can be in community with others who share your values and mission by showing up in ways that are authentic and appropriate to you. All these elements are the foundation to a healthy, thriving relationship.
The extractive fossil fuel-based system we have today is due in large part to the extractive nature of relationships between those with power and privilege and those without, including low income and communities of color as well as Earth’s natural resources. If we are working towards the vision of a livable planet where everyone thrives, then we must prioritize building relationships grounded in mutual respect, trust, and solidarity. That is how we begin building that vision one relationship, one community at a time.
But seriously, how do we build those types of relationships in our work? What does this look like day-to-day?
Our team at Common Spark is on an ongoing learning journey of how we cultivate relationships based on our values and collective vision. While on this journey, we learned some important lessons, such as:
Stop. Slow down. By the urgent nature of our work, we often prioritize meeting deadlines and completing action items as quickly and efficiently as possible. But when speed is prioritized over intentional relationship-building, we are prone to perpetuating harm against communities who are historically left out of policy processes and those who advocate for them. In fact, if we take the time to build a relationship of trust, empathy, and solidarity, then together, we can actually do our work better, faster, and more efficiently because we can act more like a single entity.
What does this look like? Check-in at the beginning of meetings, not like an icebreaker or “name one thing you did this weekend,” but consider devoting a meaningful portion of your time to connecting. At Common Spark, we spend close to 50% of our weekly meeting, checking in on each other. It’s a lot of fun and it helps us work better too.Listen actively. When in meetings, it’s really easy to get lost in what we want to say and need to accomplish, so much so that we don’t really hear what the other person is saying. If we listen actively, we can hold space for that person in their entirety, not just what we need from them in that meeting.
What does this look like? An important practice in facilitation (among other fields) is simply mirroring or repeating back what you heard, and checking to see if you heard and understood correctly. This strengthens understanding, allows room for correction, nuance, and depth, and gives respect to the person sharing and speaking up.Show up. When we say we’ll show up, we show up. This is our way of being accountable and showing support to our friends and partners. It is also a way of being accountable to our own well-being because showing up in solidarity means you’re in good health and mind to be there.
What does this look like? Our society’s work ethic is to always oversubscribe. But that doesn’t really serve anyone. Experiment for a week or two with under-subscribing, or giving yourself a 5-10% margin. This allows time for mindfulness in work, self-care and wellness, and then when an opportunity arises to dig in or be available to support someone you care for, you’ll have the capacity, time, and energy to really be present.
These reminders sum up to something Common Spark picked up from a very smart advocate at a high-impact environmental justice org: move at the speed of trust. The practice of slowing down, listening, and showing up help cultivate trust in the kinds of relationships that make us work, live, and grow better together.
Common Spark Consulting not only works externally with our clients and partners, but we also strive to work inwardly, recognizing that we must internalize the care, thoughtfulness, and intention we hope to represent as individuals and an organization. The Thought Library is where we share our ideas and thoughts, where we are at right now, on topics and issues that we hope will spark conversation for a brighter, more inclusive energy future.
